Season 2006-07 Result
Newcastle United 1-1 Everton
 S.Ameobi 14.
 T.Cahill 41.
Date: 24/09/2006  Venue: St.James' Park  Competition: Premiership
Crowd: 50,107
Match Report Submitted on 28/09/2006 by Passy
Smike is a sly one. He sells me 2 budgies for a tenner and one of them is totally crazy!!! It keeps flying around the cage attacking the other one in a desperate attempt to escape. I could not take it any longer so being an animal lover I decide to release it into the wild. ( Iíve got a heart of gold, nerves of steel and a knob of butter). No sooner has I released it when the RSPCA come banging on my door with Trapper the copper to arrest me for cruelty (the twads!) No time for a court case, Trapper instructs me I have been sentenced to death to be carried out immediately. (ffs) I am taken to the Sporties car park and handcuffed to the fence when out steps Johna with a shotgun to carry out the sentence. Sean reads me the last rites as I wait for the snarling Johna to finish me off. Bang!!!!!!!!!!

I wake up to the smell of bacon cooking on the Geordie Forman. Thatís better!!!!

After a bad start to the day it got worse, there was a wassa spot on me nose that must have been caused by a ricochet on Johna bullet. Now I know for certain that Iím gonna get the piss took out of me so the last thing I should have done was wear a super cool hat the only un-trendies would find funny and take the piss even more.

I turn up to the Sporties nice and early to get a good seat and a pint and wait with anticipation for the lads to come in with my notebook and pen at the ready to try and show my reporting skills for the first time. By the way, whoever wrote all the swearwords in my notebook owes Philippa a new book.

I did not have to wait long before Greavsie, Beat and Kirky were wading in with comments on the nose. There a thing, just cos Kirky has a posh sneck now does not give him the right to condemn my hooter!!!

Anyway, after a few beers its onto the bus for the very serious court case with Colin using Greeny as his defence lawyer in the case of ďBarry ManilowgateĒ and Sean was the prosecution lawyer, where I was appointed judge. Colin was charged with singing copa cabanna by Barry Manilow without looking at the words on the karaoke machine After all the evidence was produced and the odds were heavily stack against Colin since his own son even said that he did sing copa cabanna. I had to find Colin Not Guilty due to the fact that he did have to look at the words once when he got a bit lost after an instrumental moment in the song.

We also got to hear about Smikeís trip to the punk festival the previous day which seemed to involve vast amounts of supping and jumping around. The top supper going to Guff who had 34 pints in 4 hours and had to go home poorly.

It was the Irish Centre for pre match beers this week where Greavsie got the beers in with his winnings from the football card on the bus. Top lad! Donít worry if you missed out he said he will buy the rest of the bus a beer at the next home league game. People who sing that song about him should think again.

Wasnít Beat a nice lad to offer me a chair that had been under the leaking roof for several days thus soaking my arse and leg in the process. I donít know why some people the he is a grumpy twad I really donít. I just think he is a twad!!!

And the of course we have Kirky who must have bought himself a lucky bag on the morning with a water pistol in it as he continued to soak myself and Greavsie with it. Ho Ho Ho, such fun.

Onto the match we go. A 1-1 draw with Everton was very disappointing after dominating for such long periods throughout the whole 90 minutes. I donít know much as you all know, but I do know that Martins will never be a 20 goal plus a season man as long as Iíve got a hole in my ar$e! I remember over 10 years ago a certain Mr Andrew Cole having lightning speed as well. However he used to run behind defenders and put them on the back foot and under pressure. I know he needs time to settle, adjust to the pace of the Premiership and all that crap but if this man can score in Italy he must be able to score in this league. I for one would like to see Rossi start a couple and give him his chance. But since he is 5foot nowt as well as Martins that will never happen. Milner was the class act of the day and caused them problems in almost everything he did. The midfield again looked good even with all the injuries we have. Midfield is not my concern for the team as I am sure we can turn out any 4 from 8 to match almost anyone in the league. itís the defence and the attack which are like a dirty old tramps under kegs. P!ss up front and Sh!te at the back!!!!!

On the return journey after getting off the bus outside the Sporties I noticed that Mr Endean was is a state of distress. Someone had managed to gob about half a pint of Newcastle Brown ale all over his face and shirt on the return journey. I wonder which cadfael, George Doors look-alike that could have been?????

Oh and by the way, Iím almost out of Sudacrem after the wet chair incident in the Irish centre. I had one of the worse case of hoop Iíve ever had on Sunday!!!!