Season 2006-07 Result
Newcastle United 1-2 Bolton Wanderers
 S.Ameobi 19 (pen).
 N.Solano,
 Emre,
 C.Moore.
 E.Diouf 55,
 E.Diouf 57.
 G.Speed,
 E.Diouf,
 K.Nolan.
Date: 15/10/2006  Venue: St.James' Park  Competition: Premiership
Crowd: 48,145
Match Report Submitted on 18/10/2006 by Johna
Did you realise that if you rearrange the letters of El-Hadji Diouf you get the words diving, cheating horrible tw&t……funny how these things work out!

Still what can you say after another abject performance like that.

The bus through consisted of the normal crack, heavily influenced by alcohol. There may have to be a stewards enquiry and kangaroo court however

Sean complaining of a lack of funds…. drinking with Roi who picks a team on the football card for Chrissy. Nothing wrong so far but then …wait a minute, Chrissy wins the card …..for the second week in row …team opened by Sean……cries of foul play fill the air. As Mick the mag pointed out …”some of us have been picking teams on the card for years without ever winning” ……hmm could we have a conspiracy theory about to be uncovered……..when you put in the facts that John E was on holiday and the card was being ran by Paul E……who incidentally won a football card in the Sporties before we left….now this is just too much………I let you draw your own conclusions!!!

So back to the match: Both sides lined up 4-4-2 with Bolton having the spawn of satan up front with Le Sulk. We started the better passing the ball confidently and creating room down both flanks. This ultimately paid off with us winning a penalty due to a fortuitous hand ball in the bo,x duly put away by Shola for a deserved lead. Typical Newcastle however, we failed to capitalise on this lead with Ramage finding it easier to miss that score from 2 yards out although it has to be said that our forwards were decidedly quiet. I am still waiting for Martins to show me he is worth £1m as I think Freddie must have got the decimal place in the wrong place when we signed him. Either that or the press had a series of type errors…£10m …surely not.

Second half you just knew things were going to go wrong with the devil incarnate diving and falling over at every opportunity. It finally got to the stage where Gary Speed (finished at the toon aged 35 due to his inability to get around the field) reacted angrily to his team mate and finally hauled him to his feet after he had broken both his legs, ruptured his spleen and crushed both testicles after nearly bumping into Scotty.

As sods law would have it, 2 minute of madness completely ruined our afternoon as he who shall not be named scored twice from inside our 6 yard box when left unmarked with just Harps to beat. Once we went behind, you jut knew it was over and despite a lot of huff and puff and a lack of skill and talent we conspired to throw away another 2 points. So, 4 games at home, ahead in all of them and only 4 points to show for our efforts. This is simply not good enough and unless we can start to score goals, we will end up in a relegation battle as quite simply, we will never be able to defend or keep clean sheets as long as Shay has a hole in his intestine!

Why we have to put up with more of this level of crap is beyond me, and now the games are more about a drink and crack with the lads and the football is merely a diversion. This looks like another long hard season for our livers and wallets (unless you are Sean and Chrissy of course). How long before we have a rebellion and use the gallowgate for its original intention?!!

Trapper did try to rouse the crowd with his one-man chants of “big fat sam takes a bung” (repeat several times) but even this failed to enthuse those around us.

So the final word is in relation to Beelzebub himself and I challenge you all to devise a suitable torture for this spitting abomination. Personally I would suggest a red hot poker inserted deep enough to pierce both the stomach wall whilst frying his liver …..either that or listen to Voorhees at volume 10 whilst breathing a constant flow of Passy’s farts after a severe portion of brussel sprouts!

Ideas onto the message board please, there may be a prize involved!!